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Madhu Gurung
New Delhi

WHEN Ranu Kulshresth and Asif Iqbal met in Delhi and became friends, their families were comfortable until the two announced that they wanted to marry. The fact that they belonged to different faiths tore the families apart. The couple waited it out hoping that their families would reconcile, but in vain. They decided to take the plunge without their families’ blessings and went to court to register under the Special Marriage Act, a judicial provision for inter-religion couples, which also gives more security to a woman. Ironically, the judiciary was to be their first stumbling block.

An uncooperative clerk sent them back with wrong forms. The next time they were told there were no forms. Then when they had almost lost heart, their fourth attempt at Tis Hazaari Court worked, and a month later they married amidst friends. Like Ranu and Asif, there are people from different faiths who fall in love and want to get married but face hostility from their families and society. Some of them have now come together to form a support group called Dhanak, which in Urdu means rainbow. The group comprises about 30 married couples, mostly in their 30s, belonging to different religions with lives equally diverse. They have taken it upon themselves to work for religious coexistence, create an environment for healthy cultural dialogue, and advocate for religious freedom of choice. Their backgrounds are different, but what is common is the road they traversed after their initial hesitation to marry a person of another faith. They resolved not to crumble before pressure from family and society, and live their dreams on the conviction that religion cannot be a barrier in life. For Ranu and Asif, their marriage ceremony was a little lonely. They thought, resignedly, that their families would come around as time passed.

Five years into their marriage, Ranu works with FICCI for the department of Corporate Social Responsibility, while Asif works with an NGO, Society for Rural and Tribal Initiative (SRUTI). When the horrific Gujarat communal riots occurred, Ranu and Asif began to seriously examine the importance of religious coexistence and an individual’s freedom of choice to marry devoid of stereotypes and bigotry. The thought spurred them to write to friends to introduce them to couples who had married from diverse religious backgrounds. As emails started pouring in Ranu and Asif formed a circle of 25-30 friends meeting over a year as an informal group and sharing their experiences. They became an extended family, providing friendship and warmth, in a fast-paced and indifferent city. It was a collective decision to make a formal group, and Dhanak was born a year ago. Dhanak stands for the group’s shared aspirations to be a platform, to address concerns, experiences and work towards religious coexistence and advocacy for an individual’s freedom of choice.

The group also believes that policy and legislative changes would be the only way that inter-religion marriages can overcome technical obstacles, especially related to children and religious identity. While membership to Dhanak is restricted to only those who have had an inter-religion marriage, it invites people who believe in its objective of fighting any kind of fundamentalism and sectarian violence, as ‘Friends of Dhanak.’ It believes that together the group can counter any communalism and religious dogmas. A theatre actor, Ishteyaque Ahmed from Patna is currently working with SRUTI. He met his Hindu wife, Swati Kashyap, back home in Patna. Because of family opposition, Ishteyaque and Swati came to Delhi and began to live together. His sister insisted they get married. So they approached the court.

The couple tried to register their marriage under the Special Marriage Act. “The first time we were given wrong forms and the second time when we went to a lawyer he asked for a bribe which we refused to pay,” says Ishteyaque. Over a year ago when Swati was admitted to Holy Family hospital for the birth of their son, Sahir, Ishteyaque recalls the struggle he had with hospital authorities when he refused to allow them to fill the child’s religion in the form. “As my name is Ahmed and we had decided on the name Sahir, they had put his religion down as Muslim, but I insisted he belonged to all religions or to humanism. They only had atheist as the other option, so I told them to leave the space blank. When our son grows up he can be both Hindu or Muslim, or even a Buddhist. It will be his freedom of choice.” Their friend, Mohammad Hasnain, a Muslim from Ladakh, is married to Shruti, currently finishing her PhD from JNU, and expecting their first child.

He agrees that they too may have to confront the same problem. “We are scouting around for a secular name. The next problem we will have is when we have to register our child in school. The same problem of religion will come up. Why should we try and compartmentalise people on the basis of their religion?” he asks. “My family says that my marrying a Muslim has ruined the family name and spoilt the marriage prospects of other daughters. I went home, but I could not recognise my family,” says Swati, who till date, struggles to be accepted by them. Ishetyaque adds that when they went to his home after three years of marriage with their child for the first time, his elder brother would never enter the room if his wife was around or even acknowledge her; the only time he ever made an allowance was to touch their son’s cheek.

For Suresh Mathew, a Syrian Christian working with CNN/IBN, his wife Vasuda Arora, a gender specialist, vehement opposition to any conversion, led him to resign from the church to get married on February 6, five years ago. A difficult decision, as it meant being ex-communicated by his church and leaving his conservative family shocked. Vasuda belonged to an equally traditional Sanskrit scholar family. Says Vasuda, “The first day we were married according to Vedic rites in a ceremony done by my grandfather and mother, so we celebrated that day with my family. The next day was celebrated with Suresh’s parents as we were blessed in holy matrimony in the North India Free Church in Connaught Place.” Says Suresh, “When I look at all the years I have spent with Vasuda, we have never had a single difference because of religion.If two people can live together without involving religion, anyone can.”

“The very first focus of Dhanak is to advocate for a legal system where couples from different faiths do not have to struggle to get married and resort to conversion as a means to an end. The court officials entrusted with getting couples married under the Special Marriage Act should be helpful. It is important for people to get out of age-old ways of ghettoism and have the freedom of following or not following a faith,” says Asif. The group cites a number of cases where couples from different communities have been killed in the name of family honour, and were not allowed to exercise their freedom of choice. Dhanak believes that as it grows, it will spread to the grassroots and be a support group for people who have married outside their religions. The group will also address communal issues related to such alliances.